


when travelling on difficult terrain it's advised to have companions

by thunderrod (sirlancelot)



Category: The Transformers (IDW Generation One)
Genre: (Ratchet's no other canon characters die), Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholism Recovery, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mech Preg (Transformers), Miscarriage, Past Miscarriages, References to Depression, it turns out i totally forgot hurt/comfort was a tag haha!, post bad ending? is the ending when the lost light breaks up a bad ending? the exitus ending?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 02:54:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25626256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirlancelot/pseuds/thunderrod
Summary: Ratchet has died and the vorns since the Lost Light was broken up have been rocky for everyone, Thunderclash and Rodimus included. This road wasn't likely to be any different, but they were going to try to take it on anyway.
Relationships: Rodimus/Thunderclash, general background canon couples, past platonic ratchet/thunderclash
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	when travelling on difficult terrain it's advised to have companions

**Author's Note:**

> I had not planned to post anything for Thunderrod week in particular. I've had this fic for months, but I never post anything. However, the amount of people this week I see APPRECIATING and DRINKING the Carrier!Thunderclash juice inspired me. So here you go. Angsty fic for the my fluff couple because I hate myself, I guess. I also constantly forget to replace regular words with transformer words- helm for head, etc, so if you notice I forgot, please tell me!

Hospital bays and doctor’s offices never really changed, and Thunderclash had a lot of experience getting used to them over the years. What he had not gotten used to, and likely never would, was the period of waiting after tests. It was fine when someone else was waiting with him- a nurse, or a friend coming with to give support, because he could talk, ask how their day had been going, or even attend to some work to whittle away the breems. 

But laying on a medical slab by himself with his thoughts? That was never pleasant. He’d gotten very good at meditating since converting to Spectralism millenia ago, but the anxiety of waiting for his doctor to come back in with whatever result ruined any attempt he could make at that. He could deal with learning that his everyday life would be hindered in some awful new way, or that he needed to go on four or five new medications. He just wanted it over with quickly so he could nod, move on and return to the adventures and people that made life worth living. 

“Is it wrong of me to hope it’s bad news if only so that means I’m not on bed-rest for nothing?” he had joked to Rodimus earlier in the Exitus’ shuttle bay when he came to see him off for the funeral.

At first he’d thought he’d go too, but he could hear Ratchet yelling at him in his processor over how momumentally stupid that was and couldn’t bring himself to do it. “You think putting your spark at risk is worth it just so you can say goodbye to an empty frame? Go right ahead, see if I come to the funeral.” 

Ironic, because Ratchet hadn’t come to his ‘funeral’- didn’t hear about it, even, as he had been in deep space searching for Drift at the time. Thunderclash tried to comfort himself with that everytime the guilt at not going to Ratchet’s crept up. They weren’t able to make it because they both had good reasons. That did not erase the care or grief they had felt about each other.

The curtains ruffled and Hoist came through to Thunderclash’s bed, his field an energetic orange. “Hey-yo, Thunders. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

Thunderclash felt more relaxed immediately. “Hullo, Hoist. I take it that greeting means it’s good news?”

Hoist scratched his chin guard. “It depends, I guess? Definitely not the worst news. I have some questions first, though.”

“I’m ready for them.”

“Alright. Uh, Thunderclash, you’re sexually active at this time?”

“Yes.”

“Spark-merging included?”

“Shallow merges, yes.”

Primus, he really hoped he wasn’t about to be told he picked up some venereal disease and that ended up being why he missed the funeral. He could already hear Ratchet laughing in the afterspark that he hadn’t believed in. 

“And you’ve got no baffle installed, no kind of protection?” 

“No.” 

Thunderclash folded into himself a little. He hated this line of conversation- it opened up old wounds.

“And you’ve been sparked previously, correct?” 

“Is this not in my files, Hoist? Do you need me to answer it for you?” Thunderclash asked, disappointed to hear exasperation in it. 

“Sorry, Captain. I’m just trying to figure out how to work up to saying this.”

Thunderclash felt his spark sputter a moment as it realized what Hoist was about to say before his processor did.

Hoist handed him the datapad he’d been holding. “You’re carrying, Captain. For a few months, now.” 

Thunderclash’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he stared dumbly at the pad. The glyphs might as well have been squiggly lines for all the focus he had at the moment. “I- How? I mean, I know how, but…Ratchet and I figured it wasn’t possible, anymore.”

“Yeah, I have his medical files for you- after the first few attempts, you just weren’t sparking at all anymore, right?”

Thunderclash remembered a grim expression, a murky blue and grey field, and his own desolate emotions. “Yes. Ratchet then told me I shouldn’t merge again, either“

“But you did eventually start spark-merging again?”

“After my reboot by Tailgate, Velocity said it would be fine. I hadn’t tried it until the past few years, though.” 

“You still didn’t have a baffle installed?” 

“Velocity advised against that, she didn’t think it would be a good idea to put anything in the way of my spark fluctuations- I’d asked about kindling, but she thought that there hadn’t been any change there...that it had just stabilized.”

“Ratchet didn’t give an opinion?” 

“He wasn’t on the ship at the time, and he couldn’t be my doctor anyway- wouldn’t have been, for a long time before that.” 

“Well, I guess you’d gotten more of a kickstart than Velocity realized. You really should have seen more doctors.” 

Should’ve seen me, Thunderclash could hear in his voice. If Ratchet had been head Autobot surgeon, then Hoist was their family doctor. The few times kindling occurred in the faction, Hoist was in charge. Thunderclash’s original attempts had been with Ratchet because of a mix of his injury, his availability, and their friendship and the trust that came with it.

“Velocity was my doctor on the Vis Vitalis and she’s very good.” It was partly defense of his friend’s skills, but he admittedly hadn’t wanted to get his hopes up again by going to check in with Hoist, either. 

But hope was surging in him now, bright like it hadn’t been since he heard Rodimus’s words on Luna-1 as he cracked open the Matrix. 

“Hoist, how does it look? Is it healthy- the previous times, they hadn’t...they sputtered out early on.” That he’d managed to get kindled at all was thanks to Ratchet’s work and half a miracle. 

“It’s not where I’d want it to be, personally, but considering your spark health and everything you and it have gone through, it’s better than a lot I’ve worked with that were extracted successfully. But if you choose to keep it-”

“I will.”

“-and I’m happy for you, but please consider this, Thunderclash. You’ve still got a lot of spark-related issues, and a lot of things could happen. There are a lot of things to consider. Starting over again knowing it’s possible and that it’s the goal we’re reaching for, we could be prepared from the start and have a lot of options. Another absorption might even disrupt the ability to kindle again, versus a safe termination. Terminating now might mean a safe extraction next time.” 

Thunderclash bit his lip-plate. “Do you really think it will absorb again?”

“I mean, honestly? I’m not sure. Yours is a unique case- most don’t get shot through the spark, die, and then get a full spark reboot.”

“But you think it could make it?”

“I think it’s possible. I’d like to help do anything we can.” Hoist was squeezing Thunderclash’s servo now, and he squeezed back as a rush of affection warmed his spark. He was grateful, truly, to have so many good mechs looking out for him.

“Then I will keep it. This is the furthest I’ve ever gotten carrying, and I wouldn’t unless I was sure there was no way it could be extracted. I’d be too anxious that it wouldn’t happen again- I couldn’t bear not to take a chance.” He paused. “But I will think about it more.”

“That’s all I can ask for. Anyway, if you’re continuing- there’s a lot we need to get on top of now. Diet, exercise, appointments, tests. I also want to request bringing in more specialists-” 

Hoist went on, but Thunderclash felt like he’d been emotionally stepped on by a combiner and only half heard. Hoist noticed, and got up from his chair. 

“You need rest, Captain. We’ve got a lot to do, and I’ve got things to get ready. I’ll come talk to you when you get some recharge.”

He left, but stopped when he opened the curtain and looked back. 

“Captain?” 

“Hoist?” Thunderclash felt a smile break over his face. He didn’t think he’d be able to stop again. If hope had been surging before, it was now over-flowing out of the well in him like it’d never had a drought in the first place. He thought he’d filled the well in, but maybe he’d just been digging for new energon this whole time.

“I think Ratchet would be happy this is why you had to miss his funeral.” 

His smile only got wider. “I think so, too.” 

...

Thunderclash had never changed his recharge protocols from light, even though the war ended vorns ago. Some habits were hard to break, and Thunderclash had already recharged enough to last a lifetime. Even so, he could have set it to deep and he would have been awoken by the loud crash and cursing he rebooted his optics to. 

When Rodimus’ looked up from hissing at pede- he clearly tried to just walk through the curtain and crashed into a mobile tray holding supplies- his expression changed to slightly abashed when he saw Thunderclash had awoken.

"Sorry babe. My balance might be off today."

Because you're overcharged, Thunderclash thought with a frown. Rodimus' optics had that dull glow he got when he was, which Thunderclash could sadly easily recognize now. They'd been together from when they got the news of Ratchet to when Rodimus left, and he had one cube in that time. He must have continued during the trip, or on his way back. Thunderclash hoped it was the latter.

“I just came to visit quick after we touched down, Hoist said you were staying the cycle. You want me to let you get back to recharging?” Thunderclash shook his head and patted the berth. 

Rodimus sat down at the end of the berth. He looked more worn down than usual, the scrapes and chips on his armor only more obvious for it. Thunderclash wanted to pull him into his arms- soothe the murky brown of him until it was pastel. He hadn’t hoped for bright colors from Rodimus for a while now.

"How was the funeral? If you're alright to talk about it.”

"Oh, yeah. It was great, actually. Everyone showed up. Great big honking statue of Ratchet, sure he'd have loved that.”

Thunderclash chucked. “That's one way of putting it.”

“Everyone donated a slagload of innermost energon, too. 600 mil.”

Now that he'd be happy about. “You placed ours there, right?”

“Course. I can do that much.”

"I didn't mean anything by that, Rodimus.”

Rodimus waved it off like, ‘I know’. Or 'yeah, sure'. It was quiet for a moment before Thunderclash asked:

"Did anyone notice I was gone?"

"Worried? 

"Of course not. But- Ratchet and I were friends. For me to not be there...”

"Nah, people were pretty distracted with the funeral to be bothered wondering where you went." Rodimus paused then- he could say things sharply, sometimes, without realizing how it sounded. He’d been trying hard to work on that, Thunderclash knew. "I mean, Roller wasn't there, either, I don't know why. And no one would ever think you missed the funeral for a bad reason, Clash. Don't worry about it." He reached over to squeeze Thunderclash's servo and Thunderclash felt like his spark was being squeezed with it. 

Rodimus looked like he wanted to say something more, then added: “Drift wants to get back into contact again.”

“That's great, Rodimus!" Thunderclash exclaimed. You've been so lonely, he didn’t add. "He could use a friend right now.”

“Yeah. He looked like a wreck. I just- before the end of the trial and everything, we had worked a lot out and I thought we'd end up being amica, but then everything just kinda happened....”

Thunderclash rubbed Rodimus’ servo with the one not being held. “It got away from the both of you. But times like these, we often find ourselves tying new connections with the threads of our bonds that have been cut.”

That got a laugh out of Rodimus. “Sometimes I can't believe you actually talk like that. But, yeah, you're right. Enough about my problems, though- you hear 'em enough. How are you? They figure out what the murmurs were?”

Well, here it goes. “Could you activate your FIM chip please?”

Rodimus stiffened at that, face falling into grim worry.

“Don't worry, I'm fine,” Thunderclash assured. “ I just need you to be completely sober for this conversation.”

“Not really making me feel less anxious here, Thunders.”

Thunderclash gave him a klik- activating your FIM chip from drunk to sober was a lot of vertigo and a headache. 

Thunderclash pondered how to begin this delicately, but nothing he could think of wouldn't make Rodimus realize it quickly. Rodimus would spend the conversation trying to pick up where it was leading to so he could react rather than just letting Thunderclash get to the point. 

When Rodimus’ optics were bright again, he decided to start with: "So, as you know, my spark stabilized vorns ago after Tailgate's was renewed by Cyclonus’ sword. I had been in a bad position before then.”

“Big ship as life support made that a little obvious, yeah.” He squeezed Thunderclash’s servo agai, encouragement to continue. 

“The injury truly destroyed my way of life. In so many ways. The Vis Vitalis was one of the least, if I'm being honest. Ratchet was my doctor for a while after the incident- he really saved my life. He tried to help me with quality of life issues as well- spark-merging and such.

One thing that I was worried my injury would take away from me, worried the most about, really, Ratchet did everything he could to give it to me. It ended up...not happening. Even after my spark stabilized, Velocity didn't think it was possible.”

Rodimus was nodding along as Thunderclash spoke but still looked lost.

“Because it was impossible, and because I didn't want to think about it, I didn't get...certain preventive measures taken. Apparently it was more possible than anyone thought. Rodimus, I'm carrying. “

Rodmius didn't react at first, putting together what he'd just heard with the conclusion. 

When he finished, he turned his head away from Thunderclash to stare ahead, then, bizarrely, stood up and then sat down again, like he didn't know how to react. After a klik, he turned to Thunderclash again. “Carrying?”

“Yes. A few cycles now.” 

“Our merges- they're shallow?”

“I know. It feels like it should even be more unlikely. I need to ask Hoist about- perhaps carrying and opening the Matrix did something along with my reboot?”

“And you weren't wearing a baffle because you thought it wouldn't happen.” Thunderclash nodded. Rodimus gave a loud sigh. 

“Frag.” Rodimus massaged his nasal ridge. “Frag. I can't believe it.”

Thunderclash didn't disagree. Happy though he was, it really wasn't the best of circumstances. No; it was definitely one of the worst times this could happen. Thunderclash servo moved up and began to rub Rodimus's arm soothingly, but Rodimus stopped him. “Stop comforting me, you need it, not me. How are you feeling about this?”

“Rodimus, I…” This part was more difficult than just telling him he was sparked. “Like I said, not being able to kindle, that was the worst thing about my injury. It was what I'd always wanted, what I looked forward to doing after the war was over. Ratchet did everything he could to help, even when he had to stop being my doctor to do it-” Thunderclash decided to skip over the next painful bit for later. “But it looked impossible. I had accepted it, but it never stopped hurting. This isn't the best circumstance, but I have wanted this so bad, and I don't know if it can happen again. I'm sorry, but I am planning to go through with it.”

Rodimus gave him a bewildered look. “Why are you apologizing?”

“Because you don't want this. And I would never ask you to take this on. You can leave-”

Rodimus did a double take “Are you trying to kick me off the ship?”

“No! Of course not.” He really needed to be more careful with his phrasing. Rodimus might be sober, but the news was probably unimaginably shocking, if his rapidly changing field colors had anything to say about it. “I only mean to say that if you want to get away from this, you're free to go. I'll never comm. or anything. If you want to stay, you don't have to be the sire, on my spark I swear I'll never tell anyone it’s you-”

Rodimus snorted. “Uh, yeah, no offense, I'm pretty sure it's gotten around the ship. Mechs will be able to put two and two together even if you don't say anything.”

“I'll tell them I had a one night stand with someone else?”

“That really doesn't make me look better. Even so, the kid will definitely start to suspect after it notices we're together- and frankly I'd end up being the sire anyway, you can't really avoid seeing it all the time-”

“That's not true, plenty of partners of parents aren't parental figures- you could be like an uncle-”

Rodimus put his hands up. “Thunders! Stop! Look, the consideration is appreciated, but enough.” 

He rubbed at his face, took a deep vent, and then said: “I'm not doing this right. What I'm trying to argue here- I'm trying to say I'll step up. Be a sire and everything.”

Thunderclash was sure to another Spectralist, his field would be glittering. “Really? But- you don't want sparklings?”

Rodimus scratched the back of his neck “I mean...I never not not wanted them, I guess? I never really thought about it, and if I did I don't think I'd have thought I was ready. Or in a good place. The quest ended only a while ago compared to how long we were at war. I want to do this with you. I would never have just run off to leave you alone with everything, even if I wasn’t going to be the sire.”

Thunderclash felt terrible, then. He had been so insistent on trying to make Rodimus feel like he wasn’t trapped that he must have made it seem like he didn’t want Rodimus, or that he was presuming there was no possibility Rodimus would like to be involved. “I'm so sorry Rodimus, I didn’t think that at all, to ever make you feel that way-”

Thunderclash cut off because Rodimus then stood up to crawl up into the berth, and Thunderclash did his best to make room so he could squeeze in next to him.

When they were comfortable and Rodimus had snaked his arm around Thunderclash’s chest: “I know you wouldn't. It took a while to realize you weren’t like that- Thunders, being like you are, it comes off less like you're being ultra considerate and more like you don't believe I’m capable at all. Or you don't want me to be.”

Thunderclash pulled in Rodimus tighter. “I’m sorry, Rodimus. I do think you're wonderful.”

“Thanks.”

“I don't think you're perfect. I know you make mistakes.” 

“Wow, thanks!” Regardless, Rodimus laughed. It was strained- not from the comment, but from the emotions of the day. It made Thunderclash happy to hear regardless, just as Rodimus’ murky colors becoming a pastel did.

Thunderclash continued. “But I have always known you’re kind and noble. Even if you decided to not be a sire, I knew you would support me. I just didn't want you to take on something you felt you had to without every way out of it or feel like you had to take it on in the first place. You’ve enough on your plate.”

Rodimus curled into Thunderclash as much as he could. “Hey, you do too. I guess it’ll be even crazier now, huh?”

“Yes. But I’m glad to have you with me, Rodimus. Honestly, raising a sparkling together with you, I can't think of anyone I’d want to do this with more.” The last part was true, may Ratchet forgive him, wherever he was now.

“I hope that’s not gonna be famous last words- but me too, big guy. Me too.”

They did not say anything after that, and drifted off into recharge together in the too small for two berth. Thunderclash never thought one of his happiest memories would ever take place in a medical bay, but there it was. Just as he never thought he would be kindled again, but there that was too, spinning around his spark.


End file.
